After reading some of the Pre-season reports, I thought I would decypher some of them for you.

"It was a very good work out"
really means.......
"We lost to a football league side's youth team"

"The football league opposition was a mixture of experience and youth"
"They had a 52 year old player manager and 15 of the academy side

"The football league side will be sending a very strong squad"
"They won't"

"The football league side brought their entire 1st team squad"
"Although, they were all sat in the stand watching their academy side and signing autographs"

"Pre-season is all about working on your fitness levels"
"We lost"

"We had a lot of trialists playing"
"We lost"

"I think we could be dark horses for the play offs"
"We have just spanked a NCEL 1st division side 7-0"

"We lost to a Chamionship side with 1st team experience"
"They had 3 players that played one game each, 2 years ago in the 1st round of the Carling Cup"

"In the 1st half, we murdered them. Then in the 2nd half, we made wholesale changes"
"We lost"

"Friendlies mean absolutely nothing"
"We lost"

"We matched the Football league side for 75% of the game"
"We lost again"

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We had two goals ruled out for offside
We lost!

Top post.

I freely admit this is a version of something I posted a couple of years ago, but now Gilberto has seen through all our pre-season delusions decided to edit it slightly and re-post - bear in mind that there are one set of supporters out there who are sooo looking forward to the new season and yet their team is going to finish bottom of the league - it has to happen to someone!

* Delete as appropriate.

Just a couple more friendlies against teams old and new, just twenty two days till we resume. This is the greatest month to be a football fan beacuse we still have that rare quality of optimism.... last season's donkeys have been cleared out/we have managed to hang on to most of last season's squad* and it's been an interesting pre-season. I know they're only friendlies but it was nice to get some wins under our belt/it was the performance not the results that mattered/it was all about bedding in the new players*.

It is good to see the players back and free of injury underneath their Ibiza/Benidorm/Magalluf/Ayia Napa* tans - the new lads have all looked impressive as we make allowances for the players not knowing each other and even last season's run-of-the-mill have looked sharper. It's going to be a good season, I can tell these things.

We're all unbeaten, although for some of us alphabetical order in the table might be the best we manage all season. The sun will shine on the opening Saturday, shirt sleeves the order of the day in fact... and that's when the cracks will start to show. The players will make the same mistakes as in pre-season but now it matters, now it hurts to lose... that lot over there are taunting us and it's our ground/we've travelled for bloody hours*. 'He was at United as a kid you know' is suddenly afflicted with the touch of a baby elephant, the new '20-goal a season' striker can't even hit the net on top of the stand to stop the ball going onto the railway line and you know it's going to be a long season.

There will be highs and there will be lows, it has to be that way - without the lows you don't appreciate the highs... that's why the fans of the big three or four clubs sit so quietly - they've seen it all before, only a win is expected and when it comes, well we knew it was coming anyhow.

I honestly believe this is the best squad and manager we've had since, ooohh, this time last year!

May you have the season you deserve, travel safely and meet old and new friends along the way. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Ashton United FC - A Sleeping Minnow

gilbertov u forgot to put down,u just come out of ur gulag from the salt mines and losted

Very good post Gilberto, made me chuckle. I also see Nibbler hasn't been working on his spelling or grammar this pre season...

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"I’ve heard that fact, that if you eat more than 6 bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with 7 bananas in it, and I thought, that’s dangerous."

Na just working hard this summer on a few grounds on the outer hiberdies that is if u can call some of them grounds