Grantham 0 Buxton 0:
That Grantham team:
Newton
Tebbit
Lawson
Howe
Thatcher (c)
Friedman
Duncan-Smith
Lamont
Hague
Goebbels
Himmler
Subs
Major
Heseltine
Osborne
Cameron
Gove
The home town team of the late (oops no, not yet) great (?) Prime Minister played an odd formation, with no one on the left wing, in fact no one on the left at all, and precious few in the centre. This had certainly worked as the wind was blowing to the right in the 1980s, but it caused problems for their effectiveness on Tuesday night.
Buxton started well, with some divisions and disaffection in the Grantham team as some of their players tried to drift to the centre in a wet kind of way, but the captain and centre half sternly imposed her authority and dismissed most of them, the lily-livered nesh ‘moderates’. A decisive turning point came when midway through the first term / half, a (pitch) invasion led by Diego Maradona was quelled not by the supine officials (UN), but by the Grantham Boadicea herself.
That well known striker, Lee Morris, protested about the one-sided actions of the boys in blue (black) in disallowing Buxton’s goal, but it was to no use. The Grantham skipper had unilaterally changed the rules, weakening Buxton’s union in pursuing their trade.
Further attempts at progress were mown down by that player in the leather jacket and bovver boots, the Right Back, ‘Chopper’ Tebbit. Lawson weighed in by confiscating the Buxton players’ match fees, (and two for Nibbler to cheer here) while for those on benefit, with Duncan-Smith in the team, they had no chance – and Friedman made sure the ball was not properly inflated..
Try as they might to run at her with the ball, the Bucks found that the opposition skipper was not for turning. Her only mistake came when she tried to impose a poll tax on each of the Buxton players and then the referee, who sent her off for a second savage cut-down; however, a very grey man with glasses dressed in all grey kit came on with 3 minutes to go and managed to hold out for a clean (if grey) sheet.
In this respect credit should also be given to that other famed product of Grantham, Isaac Newton in goal, who although a little statuesque at times demonstrated an admirable control of the principles of gravity when dealing with high crosses, unerringly getting beneath them and shouting what sounded like ‘EUREKA!’ but could have been a rather ruder word.
It is true that Grantham is also famous for being declared as ‘the most boring town in Britain’ by the best selling national newspaper. But this could surely not be said about this game, which was ..... zzzzzzzz .....
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